After a 3 week hiatus from North Dakota, travelling to Utah and California to visit with friends and family I find myself back on my couch in my little apartment.
My home is quiet, the little guy has stopped escaping from his bedroom so he must be asleep. My husband has stopped coming out of our room for this or that so he must be asleep as well. The dishwasher is humming. I just finished up my last article for the newspaper this week. It wasn’t quite right when I got to the end of my working day, I had to bring it home and look at it in silence before I was happy with it. In the morning I will get up and head back over to the Farmer office and put my article in the proper formatting as quick as I can while my kid drives his hotwheels over my shoes and I shush him when he gets to loud. We’ll hurry off to gymnastics and the rest of our day after that.
I sit here with this really conflicting feeling sitting in my gut. My new friends have been calling and checking on me this week, we’ve excitedly chatted about how our holidays were. Benji was so happy to run down to our neighbors place our first morning back. My comfy couch welcomed me back. And my heart aches for the people I love so much that I just left.
Is this what being a grown up feels like?
Here’s the thing, you can’t eat fast food for two meals a day and live on vacation forever. This I know.
This is Benjamin literally eating pancakes for breakfast in between jumping in and out of the pool. I know it’s cool Benj, but not everyday can be filled with pancakes by the pool.
There is this thing called real life that is sort of annoying. You know, bills and grocery shopping and getting around to potty training the little guy. And some of real life is really enjoyable, seeing my friends and going to the job I love so much. But wouldn’t it be easier if my mom and sisters just hung out with me all day while I did those things? What would be so bad about Benjamin ending everyday playing trains with grandpa?
Not even everyday, I would be okay with sometimes. But they are far away so it is feast or famine for us.
That is the thing about frontier living that is setting in for me, the conflict of really enjoying my life and really missing people at the same time. Maybe everyone feels like this? People pass away, really really important people pass away and then that feeling will never go away. So, maybe I need to learn how to sit with it and be grateful for telephones. If I moved back home today I would really really miss the people here. Garrrr this girl can never happy can she?
Well, here is what I know – I am grateful that Danny’s job seems pretty secure. I am grateful for the lovely people in my life, all over the globe. And, I am grateful for a quiet moment to think and feel grateful. So namaste.